The Brownie That Broke My Heart…

The Pityless, Gluten-Free, Black Bean Brownie: She’ll tear your heart out and leave ya’ cryin’…

Let me begin by saying that I wanted this to be good. Really good. And for some odd reason, I expected it to be.

After hearing about these mysterious bars from all  whispered corners of the low-carb and gluten-free worlds, it had to be good. It had to be dynamite. And after building myself up over time to finally whip up a batch, it OWED me that.

Alas, in the spirit of keeping this blog honest, no matter what, I hereby give you the biggest, nastiest Red Kitchen flop of the year. In fact, perhaps I should invent an award for its superlative yuck factor: “Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Yucky goes to…Black Bean Brownies!” [Cue applause and Marvin Hamlisch music and someone handing out little statues of gold men holding their stomachs and retching.]

I think these were invented by the Marquis de Sade.

For those who have never heard of the Black Bean Brownie, it’s basically a gluten-free recipe in which you replace the flour and water with a can of drained, rinsed black beans (the plain kind, not seasoned!).

Remind me again why I thought this seemed like a good idea? Oh, right. Because other people claimed it worked. People who are probably laughing at me right this very second.

The Premise:

You put all but the topping ingredients (beans, sugar, cocoa, eggs, salt, vanilla, baking powder and instant coffee) into the blender at the same time and then puree until smooth.

Pour it into an 8×8 pan, top with chocolate chips and nuts, bake at 350 for half an hour and voila! Lovely, no-flour brownies!

The Reality:

In retrospect, this more resembles one of those "instant hangover cures" the macho asshat character is always waking up and drinking in every fratboy/beer/jock movie I've ever seen.

The batter came out really thin and smooth (abnormal for standard gooey brownie batter). It almost looked like a super-dark milkshake.

It transferred beautifully, topped well, and baked to a most gloriously even puff and height with my addition of baking powder, which I can scarcely live without in any recipe. 🙂 But oh, the taste…the taste…the HORRIBLE TASTE!

Blending...

Seriously, though, this was the absolute most ATTRACTIVE brownie I’ve ever made. I think that’s what made its glorious suckage in the flavor department so hard to bear in the end. It just wasn’t fair.

They came out of the oven looking all decadent and luscious. Simply gorgeous. The texture was phenomenal, with the perfect slightly-sticky top, and not a bit of that burnt-edges-with-uncooked-center yuckiness you get with most regular homemade brownies.

Honestly, they looked as if they had come from one of those photo spreads in Country Living and Martha Stewart Living where you say, “Yeah, right, those are homemade. And so is this can of Diet Coke I’m drinking.”

Baked up so perfectly. Sliced so evenly.

But then came the first bite. And no following bites. It was truthfully that bad. Not sweet. Not chocolatey. Not really anything other than a vague, non-descript grossness and almost total lack of flavor.

So now I know. Black bean brownies = nasty-ass idea thought up by someone who probably was born with a congenital lack of taste buds.

Evil: It's what's for dinner.

 

And now you know, too.

You’re welcome.

–Gracie