News of the Weird…

7 Jul

Do you ever have days when you feel certain you’re somehow trapped inside of a Dave Barry column, pounding and scraping and trying to find your way out, only to have more and more ridiculous things happen to you as the moments roll on?

Yesterday felt that way. (Hence no new recipe today!) I arrived home with the kids after work to find a bewildered-looking Hubby standing over large broken pieces of porcelain all over the floor of our only bathroom, right where I’d left a fully-functioning toilet commode that very morning.

The evening’s events included:

1.) a forfeited dinner time in lieu of an emergency trip to a Menard’s Home Warehouse two towns away, infant and toddler in tow, to buy a new can on-the-fly,

2.) various and sundry disagreements over the fine and delicate intracacies of septic system etiquette and the viability of purchasing a $54 complete toilet set (common sense FINALLY beat out my Scrooge gene but now without putting up a respectable fight),

The salesman assured us this toilet company always stands behind its products. I hope they will at least close their eyes when I stand in front of it.

3.) the exciting and climactic home installation of what I now refer to grandly as the FlushMaster 3000,

4.) the uplifting notion that maybe, for one moment in time, we were actually improving our general quality of life, and finally,

5.) The plummet back down to reality upon realization that we have instead just become the trashy house in the neighborhood with a used toilet sitting on the front porch.

(How do you get RID of a toilet, by the way? Anyone?)


My feelings regarding the events of yesterday evening would best be described in a monologue from the off-Broadway musical I now intend to write. For now, its working title is “Ten Reasons Journalists Make Lousy Plumbers.”

For those of you scratching your heads at this point, I have digressed. The moral of this story is that there is no recipe post today because I didn’t have an opportunity to work a culinary masterpiece into last night’s busy schedule. Sorry.

In the meantime, maybe Dave Barry has a good dinner idea?

P.S.–In Hubby’s defense and to my own dismay, office managers do not make very apt plumbers, either, in the end…


6 Responses to “News of the Weird…”

  1. Linda Buhman July 7, 2010 at 4:39 PM #

    Be a real Southern Illinoisan, put it in your front yard, and plant flowers in it!

    • Gracie July 7, 2010 at 4:47 PM #

      My smart-alec parents made the same joke, Linda. Seeing as they live next door and will be the ones forced to stare at a toilet-bowl planter out their windows, perhaps I should pick up some cheap marigolds after work after all?

      • Yer mom July 7, 2010 at 8:55 PM #

        Don’t you dare. Turn Geoff loose on it with a ten-pound sledge hammer. Once he’s exhausted himself, have him gather up the pieces (wearing disposable gloves, of course) and add them to the garbage bags a couple at a time. In a few weeks, there won’t be anything left of it.

  2. Rheannon July 8, 2010 at 7:00 AM #

    When we replaced two toilets we just called our trash haulers, they took them one at a time. Give yours a call and see if they do the same.

  3. Rheannon July 8, 2010 at 7:01 AM #

    Oh, btw, how did the toilet get broken in the first place?

  4. Becky July 10, 2010 at 11:29 AM #

    My kids managed to break 2 toilets in one week… long story. Anyway, yes, bust it up with a sledge and put the pieces in the trash cans or call your waste management co. for a special pick up.

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